Snow

Snow has fallen

and covered all the grey.

White fluff is all around.

Everything is clean and neat.

Individual flakes

that are to hard to decipher.

Fall to the once barren ground.

It is so cold.

Yet I am happy I am alive.

The snow is a protection

to the frail and the week.

that are left outside to suffer.

All alone and unprotected

Snow heeds the warning and stays

for protection.

For complete peace.

For solace.

Snow has fallen

and covered the grey.

Emotion

I feel a shift deep inside.

Something has happened unexpectedly.

Some part of me that has been asleep or broken

has come alive again. I do not recognize it.

I do not understand it.

But i follow it.

I let this phenomenon

twist, shape,mold and conform

me into a new model.

Warmth and kindness flood through

me like a summers day.

It bursts forth into the forefront

and demands to be heard.

"I have returned"

"You will never shut me down again"

"I love you"

"I will protect you forever"

Propofol

Darkness.

Strange noises.

I can't move.

My hands are tide down.

I would not be able to move much anyway.

My eyelids feel taped shut.

I am barely breathing through a straw in my throat.

Panic springs up like wildfire.

I am gaging. I feel a wave of pain and terror.

I am drowning. I can't stop it.

Loud piercing screams are all around me.

What is going on?

Where am I?

Who created this nightmare I am in?

I hear the piercing sound stop,

and the sound of a calm soothing voice.

She say's " It's okay. You are in the hospital.

You have a tube in your throat helping you to breath.

It is the middle of the night.

I will give you some medicine to help you relax.

You are safe."

I feel the panic start to fade.

I am able to breath once again.

All I feel now is a warm hand in my own

comforting me.

I stop fighting and let myself relax.

Ah. Bliss..

Pain free, care free,

and back into my wonderland.

You are

Be the extra cushion in my shoe.

Be the air bag for my heart.

Surround me like a flotation device.

and keep me afloat.

Have the stains from my past dry cleaned.

Polish my soul so it can be seen.

Lift me high enough, so I can try.

Or give me wing so I can fly.

The pain is down. Down deep.

Hard to find yet hard to keep.

Hold me close and keep me safe.

Love me more than all this place.

Forgive my past and wipe me clean.

Remember the old and how I've grown.

Help me "be the change" and grow into you.

Goodnight

August touches me in the tender home of change.

I am awakened with intrigue and glee.

I embrace the next chapter and keep my eyes open

for the one in which to enjoy the rebirth.

I am change, I am surrender. I am love, I am forever.

Sorrow tickles my past, just out of grasp.

I seek a full awakening and safe pasture.

I yearn for you and what is to come.

Hold me closer than another.

Feel my lips and don't let me shutter.

Goodnight love, goodnight friend.

Be real, be light, be true, stay in sight.

Love one another and the One.

Home

I see the truth, I see the love I see the peace.

My pain is not forgotten.

I have it as a reminder of life and living.

Peace comes after.

Washing over me like a mothers song.

I see the truth, I see the love I see the peace.

I am alive. It is time to start living.

It is time to wake up and find my purpose and truth.

I am ready to find my divine plan and go the the most important place: Home

I see the truth, I see the love I see the peace.

Cry

I cry.

I cry because my heart aches.

I cry because I am alone, but not lonely.

I cry because I know there is more out there.

I cry to feel the pain.

I cry to feel the love.

See these tears fall down.

They are for my soul and my healing.

They fall some more, so I can be alive.

I am numb. I go through life closed down and angry.

Blaming the world for my misfortunes.

Why am I not the most important

person in anyones life?

An then I cry.

Dawn

It is Dawn and I hear the birds communicating.

They each have their way.

I try some yoga out on the deck.

OK time to go to sleep.

I listen to the songs that teach me about myself,

that help me grow strong and true.

I write so I can be alive and so my life has meaning.

I cry not just for my fathers loss,

but for the love and grace that has been shown to me.

The sky is so beautiful it hurts my heart physically

My heart is being surgically put back together.

After all the grief, my heart will be whole.

Stronger than life and able to shoe that love to others.

Goodbye

I am tired of waiting. You will never arrive.

I am fed up, and ready to strive for more.

I was so patient and wanted you so desperately.

But you bailed.

I cannot conceive of an arrival,

so I mine as well hit the hay.

But I am not going to wait anymore.

I am going to find myself, and visit the shore.

My life will not stop again, anymore.

.

I know you are out there, but I am not waiting.

You will have to find me, living my life.

I am a searcher, but no more.

I am done waiting. I am done waiting.

Goodbye whoever I never knew.

Goodbye.

Dad

I hear your voice though you are not here.

I listen to your words and laughter,

but they are through another.

I see your smile, but it is in a frame.

You are here, yet you are gone.

Then I remember...

I see you again.

Your words encourage and push me.

I am inspired to stay young and fun.

To keep my fire for life and God.

Listen to God and trust in him.

You are my Dad and you will never be gone.

Then I remember...

I see you once again.

Listen

It is hard for me to be still.

I keep noise going all day and night.

I can't even sleep in silence.

A fan waves out all the quiet

whispers of my soul, mind and heart.

I cannot hear the small voice that tells me what is so.

I cannot, will not listen to the knowledge

that is not given to to me as a gift in such a secrete way.

Listen. LISTEN. LISTEN.

HERE ME. I AM HERE!

OK now I hear you.

But it is too late.

The damage is already done.

I should have listened

to the quiet voice that was drowned out

with my fan, TV, music, phone, life...

Grief

My legs are stiff with lactate from the breaking down of my heart and my body.

I ache all over with the grief of unwanting.

My head throbs with the pain of the last words spoken.

Eyes burn from all the tears that will not stop falling.

Fingers cramp from all writing in attempt to release the sorrow.

Grief is physically painful. The only thing that can cure this pain

is the only thing I can't have.

There is some anger, but I knew what I was getting myself into.

I knew he wasn't ready.

Grief holds on longer than we know.

I have a glimpse of hope only that

I have gotten through this before.

I will be stronger, and healthier than before.

Mirror

Life is a mirage

Beauty and perfection covering reality

I feel disconnected and alone.

but I look out and sees this intricate canvas,

decadent for all to see.

The pain is not visible from the surface.

Despair takes the shape of amusement.

Looking out, it seems so glamorous, and interesting.

How can you feel suffering but see light?

This life, this illusion, is not forgiving.

Looking out once more,

I am satisfied by what I see.

Look closer and realize,

I am looking in the mirror.

The First Punch

Fear wells up inside me as his fist comes closer.

I am so surprised and stunned that I cannot use

my flight or fight response.

As his knuckles collide with my mandible,

our relationship flashes in my mind.

I don't even feel pain.

It began with a smile. Looking back a bit too sweet.

Then the constant phone calls, texts.

I just thought he REALLY liked me.

But then it started to change.

Showing up at all hours,

searching the house for some

random guy, a guy he imagined.

Yelling at me any time I talked to a friend.

We are yelling, or he is yelling at me,

constantly putting me down.

Tearing away pieces of my esteem, my pride, my soul.

Bit by bit until I actually believe

that I deserve this behavior.

I am not worth anymore than a sac of potatoes.

All the kisses, the apologizes, the flowers, and the poems,

don't bring me much comfort.

Yet I am too forgone to leave.

He will change....

He will change...

He will change...

My head jolts back with the force of a whip.

I lose my balance and fall to the floor.

Except this time there is no apologizes

no kisses, just hateful words as I try to protect

the human growing inside me.